Reflection #3

Reflection #3
Last week was a successful week and I had expected this week to be the same, but I was wrong. Maybe it was because I was having a bad day, but I don’t know.
I had told Mrs. Burke that I got my half-twist last week and that today I would be going for my full-twist. I was ready and everything. I had my mind set. Nolan, you’re getting your full-twist tonight and that’s all you’re working on.
I get to practice, and for some odd reason, which I do not know why; I was so angry or just maybe I was having one of those bi-polar moments. I could have sworn someone turned off a switch in my head. It was the nice and confident switch; but no instead of being confident and boastful like usual. No I was angry and putting myself down left to right.
So we start practicing and keep in mind that I was not in a really good mood, like I usually am. We weren’t doing freelance tonight, we were only working on our routines. That got me even angrier. Everything was just getting me so angry. On top of that I am just learning my routines today and yeah they are extremely easy because they are only level four but it’s not that. It’s my pride. Because I am so old and I am only doing level four to get me qualified. I just could not see myself competing against six year olds. It just didn’t seem fair. How could I even loose. I have more balance because of my age and experience. Oh, that was not even the cake topper. When they told me what I had to do fore my vault level four routine. I wanted to laugh and walk out of there. All I had to do was just run to the spring board and jump on the spring board with out the damn vault and just land on the floor, not even jump on the damn vault itself. Really though, how does that look with an eighteen year old running to a spring board and not even doing at least a front hand-spring off the vault. I seriously felt like such a loser, I wanted to cry for myself. No, why stop there? I got on the bars and I wanted to die. I could not do the freaking pull-over on the high bar and that’s like all they do in the level four high bar routine. What was I going to do? Do the pull-up and the swing and that’s it? How retarded. I kept telling Lucia that I was going to just scratch it and be done with the whole bar thing. I did not see it going anywhere. I huffed and I puffed the whole time on the bar. Do not get me wrong. I tried and tried but for some reason it just would not happen. So we start to do the level four routines on the floor and doing it makes me feel like a loser, because I can do all these tricks that level six’s can do and I can’t even do a simple back-hand-spring because I am level four. That is such crap man. I’ve been working so hard on all my tricks and I can not even show them off. That made me feel even more of a loser. They thought that the bonus point for the routine was a back-hand-spring, but turns out it was not. Shoot me was all I thought for the longest time. I sucked it up though and I did the routine around ten times full out; just like I would do it at the meet. I had one good part of the night and that was on the pamal horse. I started the pamal horse tonight, it is not as easy as it looks, so I got the simple routine and I kept practicing that over and over. I basically said screw all the other routines right now, I’m good, and I’ll just stick to this. I guess I was angry from earlier and I noticed that anything effects me and I really have to learn how to control that, because I cannot let that effect my progression anymore. It is a sad excuse to not be able to get a new trick. I went home a little depressed, but the meet on Saturday will get me back on my feet. I do not care anymore about the big kid little kid thing anymore. I’ll just suck up my pride, as much as I got and do the routines and go up there with a smile